I had a ‘date’

In Uncategorized on 17 September 2009 with 5 comments

It’s so bizarre, this whole ‘dating’ thing. He’s not from where I am and we are completely different people…but it was nice. It was actually quite nice.

Yay me!

earths gravity is pulling me down.

In Uncategorized on 30 August 2009 with 3 comments

Maybe today will be the day I can’t be strong anymore.
Maybe today will be the day I realize that maybe I should have spent a little bit more time under the covers, crying and mourning the loss of the dreams I had for my life.

Spent the weekend watching “guy” movies. Monty Python movies and action movies.  When the weekend was over and I was alone again, I watched a ‘chick flick’.  It’s easy to be strong when someone is there. I instantly felt that alone and desperation feeling when I saw two people connecting and in love.

It’s not a far cry from the truth when I say I don’t think I will ever be with anyone again.

I wish I could forget how much he did love me…when he did love me.

Monumental Mistakes…

In Uncategorized on 28 July 2009 with 5 comments

I feel like i’m the edge of doing something really stupid.

I’m allowed to do stupid things…but this one is MONUMENTALLY…EPIC PROPORTIONS of stupid. If stupid had a brother on steroids, It would be THAT stupid.

i had a bad day again….

In Uncategorized on 13 July 2009 with 6 comments

Not really certain why today seems harder than say my annaversary did, but it does feel crappy.
I know i ‘m going to have bad days. I just feel like I am failing.
*sigh*

In office w h o r e, oscar on 10 June 2009 with 18 comments

I'm not missing a thing!

I am saving this place for the times when I am in that place that I need to write about what I am feeling. I shouldn’t even be thinking about writing about something personal while I am work because I am surrounded by men and I will never appear weak to them.

On the way home last night, the Alanis Morrisette song came on.  You know which one I’m talking about? The one that pretty much sums up how I feel about Oscar and the office w h o r e. ?? Yeah, that one.
I was singing it at the top of my lungs and then all the sudden…got sort of down.

Here’s the reasoning. 1. he left to be with the office w h o r e because WHY?  Because I was holding out s e x ? No, it was the other way around.  In fact the last time we did…I had to start it while he was asleep to avoid being rejected. It’s not easy to say no when your body has already started saying yes.

Okay, I can’t talk about this yet. Maybe later. I am close to being able to spill all the details, it’s just going to take time.

In Uncategorized on 3 June 2009 with 13 comments

Look Up

I know it’s been awhile since I updated.  It’s truly difficult to get into a new groove and new place when you’ve been somewhere else for so long.

Things haven’t slowed down even a little bit.   I keep waiting for the day that I don’t have to deal with something new. It’s exhausting.

The latest update is that Oscar called me and let me know that our car had broken down. Not my problem, but of course, I do what I can to offer advice and help.   We had to shoot engagement pictures yesterday and he was sort of stuck so I offered to do the shoot or go pick him up so we could do it together.  He said he had it handled and that he was going to borrow Blair’s car to get there.

I pull up at 6pm from work and there is Blair’s car parked at my neighbors house (remember she’s dating him and making my life hell?) and so I call him to make sure he didn’t flake on the shoot.
He said all happy, “Just finished the shoot.”  I asked how he got there and he paused long enough to remember that Blair practically LIVES next door to me and then admits that he had his office w h o r e  drive him there.

I went off on him.   How tacky!  How disrespectful!  He had the nerve to take the OW to OUR job, OUR b & g shoot. It was sickening!   I thought about it all night and I finally had to email him and truly vent EVERYTHING I felt about that situation.
He called this morning to apologize.   He hadn’t read that email. I told him he might want to retract his apology after he read what I had to say.  I laid it all out there and told him to start the divorce papers because after what he did, his actions in the last month, there really isn’t  a single thing he could do to me more to hurt me.

After I sent the email last night, I cried.  I feel so alone. I know I have friends and everyone is telling me, “You’re better off. Things will get better.” and all the other things you say to someone in my position…but it’s just this process I have to go through and I have to feel all the things I am feeling.

My mind keeps messing with me though. I keep seeing them together and him laughing and saying all the same things to her to make her laugh and feel good as he did to me and it makes me want to hurl on the spot.

I know…time heals all…just sucks right now.

I want a witty subject line for my FIRST post…

In RULES on 19 May 2009 with 32 comments

Welcome to my new online home.  Before you come in, let me tell you a few things on why I am here and what you all can do to help me…because the only reason you’re here is because you’re my friends and you were handed this url because I trust you.

I started this place because the other place that I had called home for since 2003 was compromised when the bottom of my world fell through.
Many of you know of the people in my life. You know the joy they bring me and now you’ll learn the sorrow, anger and frustration they have brought me.

To fully understand what I am trying to say, I need to introduce the new me and the people in my life.
After I write these names, this is who they will forever be known as and they CAN NOT be called by anything else because I have a blogstalker that spends all day looking for me to give updates to the person that hates me.

My online name is now Bronwyn Reilly.    You’re asking yourself, why Bronwyn Reilly.  Bronwyn was the name of a character in a book that I read many years ago. The thing I remember the most about this person is she kicked the living shit out of her boyfriends ex girlfriend because the ex girlfriend didn’t know when to back the hell up and leave Bronwyn alone to live her life.

Are you seeing the picture I am painting here?

The man that walked out of my life, his name is now Oscar.  Why Oscar? From this quote by Oscar Wilde; “One should always be in love; that is the reason one should never marry.”
If I could find one that had something to do with walking out and leaving your wife with a house that is possibly going to be foreclosed on, three girls, a business and a life he had promised because he ‘wasn’t happy’…then I would have picked that name.

Blair is the name of the woman that came before me in Oscar’s world. I call her that because of the movie in which a witch just destroys everyone that walks within a 5 mile radius of her.

I am going to leave the comments open, but PLEASE do not mention the name of the other online home that I had/have or the names of anyone….Google is a powerful thing.

Please ask the questions you have been wanting to ask…i’m going to be honest and answer them in future posts. I haven’t gotten names for the girls, so they will be known as the girls until I figure that out.